Wednesday, 1 February 2017

BED - I'm only cheating myself

BED a.k.a binge eating disorder, started for me the evening of my last bikini competition (April 2016). I was on a very low carb, restrictive diet for 16 weeks and ended up prepping myself for the last 4 weeks leading up to my competition - HUGE mistake. I was my own worst critique so I felt I wasn't lean enough to compete, therefore I slashed my already extremely low calorie consumption and added in an extra 30mins cardio EVERY DAY, taking it up to one hour each day, plus the 6 weight sessions I was already doing each week.

The competition was over before I even knew it and wanting to celebrate that with my family and friends should have been first on my mind, but it wasn't, food was. I ate absolutely everything that you could think of that same evening - until I physically could not move (no exaggeration). I thought this would calm down after a couple of days, once I realised that these foods were no longer off limits, but it continued, for months...

I discovered that I was actually very good at hiding this, sneaking all kinds of foods into the house, my room, without anyone knowing. I did this all the time in the hope that 'tomorrow is a new day, a a fresh start to stop this and get myself back into a healthy mindset and diet'. It didn't. The same thoughts snuck right back in the next day, and the day after etc.

I have felt so low about my body image that I have found myself in a permanently bad mood - I'm constantly critiquing, always on edge about it and it's on my mind a lot more than it should be. I started out with a new coach in September last year in the hopes that this wild give me a new found motivation and some guidance towards a healthy, balanced life again. This was by far a great session for me as I have something to aim for, a goal has been set and I know what I need to do in order to progress with this. However, and the reason behind this post, is that yesterday I did it again. I ate so much that my stomach was extremely uncomfortably bloated, I felt sick and could barely move -- and for what? I knew that I was doing well and yet this thought to eat that much still came over me and I did it. I felt so rubbish after and I'm writing this today because I am not just saying that today is the day to get it all back on track again, I know it is. I only cheated myself by doing that yesterday and I felt so awful about it because I have goals to achieve.

It's always going to be in the back of my mind, I think once you have been through BED, it really never goes but you just find ways to deal with it and not let it affect your life anymore. I absolutely do not plan on doing this again and I hope that anyone who also is silently going through this, does talk to someone about it and finds a way to get through it and takes control again.

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